I’m so tired of wanting.
I want, I desire, I covet, always looking toward the next thing, the thing that can fix what’s wrong with me, the thing that can fill the holes and satisfy me. It’s painful to admit how materialistic I am, how fixated on appearances, how vain. I like to think I’m above such silliness, that I can’t be swayed by the commercialism of our society, but oh, I can, and I am.
Magazines hold the promise of a better, more beautiful me, and so I keep buying them, wasting money on an item that’s just going to make me want to waste more money by buying more things. Internet ads capture my attention. A few days ago, while online, I was distracted by an Anthropologie ad on the sidebar. I gasped (yes, literally – how embarrassing) at the prettiness before me, and clicked through to their website, where I browsed the latest catalog and lamented that I’m not spending my days in a charming European village, draped in expensive cardigans, with beautifully mussed hair and milky, perfect skin.
Now, I can look at that moment of longing and see its silliness, of course. Who has a life like that? But it doesn’t stop that weird, rumbly feeling that tells me that I need more, that somehow my life would be better if I had the perfect red lipstick and leather handbag. I don’t think I’m alone. I have a friend who laughingly says that she’s not living the life she was meant to live; she works a job similar to mine, with good pay and benefits. She jokes that she was born to be rich and spend her days in the lap of luxury. I laugh along with her, but I’ve recently realized that deep down, a part of me feels this way, too.
I don’t think it’s wrong to have an appreciation for beautiful things. God has blessed us with so much beauty, and during this time of transition in my life, I have found joy and comfort in being surrounded by familiar, pretty objects. The things that decorate my room provide a sense of home for me, which is such a blessing. I also love to make beautiful things, and to style myself in a way that I feel is appealing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of that.
The problem comes when this appreciation gives way to a consuming desire to have more, because no matter how much you accumulate, it will never be enough. It’s especially dangerous for those of us who are trying to be good stewards, and I’ve always struggled with financial irresponsibility.
My goal is to drown out that loud voice that tells me my blessings aren’t enough, that I’m not enough, that my life is not good enough. How about you? Do you struggle with such things?